it's good to have goals

Getting paid once a month puts a serious strain on a body, you know? Especially since I had lots of unexpecteds this month like car repairs, a gajillion doctor's appointments, prescriptions, etc., and because I had two dog-sitting gigs cancel. But, these things happen. I was hoping that I'd have saved $400 by the end of the month, but I actually ended up with $100 saved. I'm kind of disappointed, but really it's much better than I've ever done before. Normally I'd be out of money after the first week or two. This time I made it through the month, and actually had something to show at the end of it! That's progress. And, I have to remember that it's not all going to happen overnight, right? So, I'm trying to let go of the disappointment, and concentrate on the fact that this is probably the best I've ever done--and, that's despite the unexpecteds that came up (and, inevitably will).

So, I've mentioned several times about getting my finances in order and trying to save money for something specific. And, I've talked to several of you, dear readers, about my goal, but haven't discussed it in this forum. But, I think it's time. I think that saying it aloud (er, typing it aloud?) will help me keep my eyes on the prize.

So, here goes. I've long struggled with what I've wanted to be when I grow up. And, for the past, like, eight years (ugh) I've been an admin-type. Now, there's nothing wrong with that, and it's a living (albeit a meager one), but it's certainly not my life's dream. But, the problem has been that I just didn't know what my life's dream was. I'm interested in lots of things. I think I'm fairly smart, and pretty motivated when I'm involved in something I care about. I've gone back to school a few times, but never finished a degree. I've been embarrassed about admitting what I do for a living. I've longed to do something that not only provided me with a decent living, but also was a conduit for creativity and passion. And, again, I just wasn't quite sure what that was. I dream of being a socio-political essayist, a zoologist, a political activist and organizer, a nature photographer, a novelist, a movie reviewer, a restaurant reviewer, an actor, a therapist, a professor...basically something real, you know?

And then, and then, and then? And then I started getting really interested in food and nutrition and agriculture and cooking, and a few months ago I had a friend over for dinner, and she asked if I'd ever consider possibly doing some personal chef stuff for her. And, I did consider it. I started considering it then, and I haven't stopped. I know that I'm not really interested in opening a restaurant, but the idea of going into someone's home and really discovering what their needs are and creating delicious and nutritious food for them sounds amazing. And, so I started talking to people about it, and discovered that a friend had started doing just this thing in NYC, and that another friend was going to start doing it in York, PA. And, my mind was whirring with possibilities. And, so I started talking details, and thinking about how I could best do this--without a culinary degree, but with a lot of passion and a growing knowledge and ceaseless curiosity.

So, I started formulating a plan. And, then talked about it with my beach girls in June, and one of those girls, my dear, dear Dra, proposed an idea that I just fell in love with. She said that I should come to the Land of Plenty (aka California), and start up a small business doing exactly what I wanted to do--all vegetarian, organic, local, seasonal cooking for personal clients. And, I'd been thinking about heading West, but wasn't quite sure how I'd do that. Maggie suggested Portland, but I just kept thinking of and longing for the Bay Area and Northern CA, and 3000 miles is a long way to move to be kinda, sorta near where you want to be. But, it's expensive to move to the Bay Area, right? So, Dra made me an incredibly generous offer--I could stay in the "in law" apartment adjoining her house for about six months while I got on my feet in exchange for doing some cooking and some baby/dog sitting for her family. She even thinks she might be able to help me drum up some business.

So, with both elation and terror, I started making these plans. I started with, literally, no money, and that's why I went to see the financial counselor and have been working on saving money. I'm hoping that I'll have met my savings goal ($3500.00) and will be ready to set off by spring. I'm hoping March-April-May-ish. And, luckily, Dra and her family are being really supportive and flexible with the date. And, I opened up my mail on Saturday to find a t-shirt from Dra emblazoned with the statement: I HELLA LOVE OAKLAND. I can't wait for that to come true.

This is HUGE for me. I've been in Pittsburgh for almost ten years, I've floated along happy with my wonderful friends, but discontent, broke and aimless with regards to my career for, well, ever. But, I'm going to change my life. I'm going to live the dream.

So, I'm trying to do everything I can to generate some extra cash (dog sitting and some other projects I have in the works) and trying my darndest to save. It helps to have a big goal.

I'll miss my friends and the life I have in Pittsburgh--it's largely been a good ride, but I'm really ready for the next challenge. So, if you have any tips or words of wisdom or cash-paying gigs, let a sister know, alright?


disclaimer: i have no idea who this woman is, but that's the shirt:

p.s. big news

I can't believe I forgot to write about this in my earlier post. It's big news.

I had my last therapy appointment last night! I was discharged for being suitably sane enough to make my way in the world!

Actually, this came about because my therapist is moving to Portland. When she told me a couple months ago, we both decided that I'm ready to be discharged. So, we talked about lots of stuff, and about strategies for coping in various situations that may/will come up in the future. She's fantastic. The best therapist I've ever seen.

I started seeing her last year after my dad died and I was really depressed and struggling with anger at my mom, huge regrets, hating myself, issues with food, and all sorts of other ugliness. But, since November I've made some pretty remarkable progress, if I do say so myself, and much of it is due to my therapist being so freaking awesome.

I hate that seeking professional help for emotional problems still has so much negative stigma associated with it, and that people are scared, for a host of different reasons, to seek out help. So, if you've thought about entering therapy but are scared or unsure of what to expect, I'd be happy to talk with you about my experience with it. I'm not saying it's easy. It isn't. It's hard work, and there were many times that I did not want to go to my appointments, but I was always glad I did.

I was telling her last night about the analogy that I like to think about when I'm trying to do the right thing and grow as a person and it hurts. It's like when you're a kid and get growing pains. The pain is breathtaking at times, and it sucks in the moment, but ultimately it's a wonderful thing that you're growing and changing, and it makes the pain worthwhile. I think it works the same way mentally. Growth hurts. But, it's good.

I think it's time to dust off my personal mantra: opting for personal growth. Because it is a choice. It's a choice that each of us makes every day, multiple times a day. We often choose to stick with what's comfortable--whether it be right or wrong or whether it hurts us in the long run--because the unknown is scary. But, if I preface every choice I make--even the small ones--by asking myself, honestly, if I'm opting for personal growth, it makes the path a bit clearer.

Thank you, Lynn, for being an incredible listener, guide, mentor and friend!