p.s. HealthQuest 2007 update & more growing (and shrinking!)

I got an email from my friend K. this morning, and she mentioned that she liked the "new horizons and old habits" blog from a couple weeks ago, and she took a step in shedding her shame and sent me her stats of starting weight/lowest weight/current weight/goal weight! Well, actually, I don't know what her shame-level is with that, but for me it was a HUGE step to put that info out there. And, it was just one more step in making my way towards a more genuine, honest and shame-free life. It brought a tear to my eye, as so many things do lately.

And, it reminded me that I have a good-news update! The scale finally moved again, and not up this time! I (re)lost three pounds! Yay! So:

My starting weight was 245.
My lowest weight was 205.
This morning I weighed 210.
My goal is 140.

And, with my confession this morning (see earlier blog from today), I literally feel lighter. Amazing.

And, speaking of tears brought to eyes, I just reconnected with a friend that I've been estranged from for a while. About a year and a half ago we had a little spat. I got my feelings hurt and took things pretty hard, and then made the incident into way more than it needed to be and held a grudge. But, then recently another in-common friend was telling me about that friend's wedding, and I started thinking about how silly the whole thing was and about how I'd made a pledge to myself after my dad's death to not to let that kind of shit rule my life anymore and about how I don't want to be a grudge-holder anymore, and then I came across her name on a website, and knew that it was a sign from the baby jesus that it was time for me to reach out and apologize and hope that she was happy to hear from me. So, I did. And, I got the warmest, sweetest email(s) back from her. And, we have a plan (actually, two plans) to meet up soon and reconnect and catch up on our lives. She sent me pictures from her wedding, and it was so genuinely sweet and I was so genuinely moved by her immediate acceptance of my apology and willingness to let bygones be bygones that I bawled like a baby. In a good way.

Wow. This has been a big week for me.

Phew. Okay. I'm tearing up again. So, how about a recipe?

I made this zucchini salad at the beach, and the gals went wild for it. So, here's the original recipe and my notes below for the changes I made:

Greek Zucchini Sald with Crumbled Feta
serves 6

Fresh mint, feta cheese and zucchini are a favorite summer salad combination in small tavernas throughout the Greek Isles. for a more colorful salad, use one zucchini and one yellow squash.

3 T. lemon juice
2. t. grated lemon zest
1 clove garlic, minced (about 1 t.)
1/2 c. olive oil
2 medium zucchini, peeled into thin ribbons (about 4 c.)
1 medium sweet onion, such as Vidalia or Walla Walla, thinly sliced (about 1 c.)
1/2 c. crumbled feta cheese
2 green onions, chopped (about 1/4 c.)
1 T. fresh mint
1 T. fresh parsley

Whisk together lemon juice, lemon zest and garlic in large serving bowl. Gradually whisk in oil. Season with salt and pepper. Add zucchini and onion, and toss to coat. Cover and marinate overnight, or up to 2 days. Sprinkle with feta, green onions, mint and parsley just before serving.

PER SERVING: 149 CAL; 3G PROT; 12G TOTAL FAT (3G SAT. FAT); 9G CARB; 11MG CHOL; 252MG SOD; 2G FIBER; 5G SUGARS.

Okay, so I changed this slightly based on what we had handy. I also only marinated it for about 4-5 hours, and I'm sure it'd be better with a longer time in the juice.
-I used both zucchini and yellow squash. I made the ribbons, but cut them at about 2-3" so it was easier to eat (although the picture with the really long ribbons looks really pretty).
-I used red onion because they're pretty.
-I used basil in place of the mint. I think it'd be good with all three--basil, parsley and mint.
-I didn't use green onions, but I totally would, and would cut on a very diagonal bias for ultimate prettiness.
-I used the dressing that I'd made up for the wheatberry salad--which is very similar (just adds orange and uses shallots instead of garlic), and I think is the best, most simple dressing ever. Also, I only used about a 1/4 c (plus about an extra tablespoon of lemon juice), because that was plenty to coat all the zucchini and onion without bogging in down in oil. So, the fat content is about half what is listed above.:

citrus dressing:
grated zest and juice of 1 orange
1 T. freshly squeezed lemon juice [I used the juice of 1 lemon]
1 T. minced shallot
1/2 c. extra-virgin olive oil
fine-grain sea salt and freshly ground black pepper

coming out, again, in a different way.

So, I mentioned the other day about being broke, and I'm sure if I haven't mentioned that before in the blog, I've mentioned it ad nauseum to those of you I know in "real life".

I've had an issue with money management and debt and the resulting guilt/shame/embarrassment/terror about it since, well, since I can remember. And, I've been really pretty good at pretending like I don't like in a constant state of panic about (the lack of) money to most of the people I know. But, I've been in a pretty desperate position financially for a while (my entire adult life), and I'd only really told two people the extent of it--and, not then even fully. But, just recently a potential opportunity has presented itself to me in changing careers and geographical location, and while I was excited, I know that it will probably be a year of facing my demons, working really hard to get things in order, and saving every penny to make this happen. So, it may not happen--well, not, at least, in the way it was originally intended. But, it's been a huge gift, even though it's one of the hardest things I've ever done, to have to face up to the actuality of my situation and try to figure out how to deal with it. Because I'm tired of living like this, and I've made lots of positive changes in my life over the past months, and I want to keep that going.

So, despite being nearly paralyzed with fear and driven to severe nausea, I just made an appointment with a debt counselor for next week. They want me to bring all the names and balances of my debts. And, I had to tell them that I don't even know what those are because I've tried to avoid them and all evidence of them for years--which is why I'm in this predicament.

I never learned how to manage money, and my fear and intimidation about it let me get myself all crunked up and in a horrible spot. I live in a state of near-panic all the time about money, and it's time for that to stop.

During my beach trip we had a Women's Circle, which my friend D. proposed. She works with a woman in her midwife center that started doing them years ago, and wrote a book about it, and D's been having them for a few months with some friends. The idea is that you have a small group of women and you gather (in the case of her group, once a month) and each of you takes a turn to go around the circle and talk about whatever is going on in your life or on your mind. No one else speaks, and no one interrupts--even to offer tissues--until that speaker says she's done, even if she takes some time in the middle of her stream-of-consciousness style speaking (called "holding space" for that person). D and her group have found it to be immensely healing and satisfying, and so we did it at the beach. But, we were catching up on an entire year (since we'd seen one another last), and because we are used to being very intimate with one another, this was a very, very intense experience. I mostly talked about how I've always been a failure. I didn't expect that to happen, but out in came. And, then afterwards I just felt really horrible and embarrassed and ashamed. And, unfortunately, I think I made D feel bad about introducing us to the experience. But, honestly, it's maybe one of the most powerful things I've ever done. I laid stuff out I hadn't admitted to my friends or my therapist or even myself. It sort of shook me to the core. I kind of think, actually, that it's maybe why I've been sick for the last week--because I was still resisting dealing with it.

And, D's also the key factor in this possible opportunity I mentioned above. I just sent her an email this morning "coming out" to her about the reality of my situation and how that will postpone me going forward immediately.

But, wow. Mixed in with the guilt/shame/embarrassment/terror, I feel some hope. For the first time.

Thank you, D. You've actually just changed my life for the better.