eff

Folks, I've sorta gotta out of control lately. In all the areas where I'd made such good progress over the past few months, and then it all started gradually unraveling, and just...kept unraveling. I've been eating for shit, not exercising, not cooking, smoking, and letting my apartment get disgusting again. Why?

I'm not sure. I know that this is all a gradual process, but I realized that I was in trouble yesterday when I daydreamed about putting a recipe on here and pretending like I made it. And, then I got the final kick-in-the-teeth when I got on the scale this morning. 217. Remember when I was down to 205? What the hell?

Dammit.

I'm not sure how I lost focus, but I remember the exact moment that it started happening. I just decided one day that I wanted some brownies. So I made them. And, then I just kept gradually slackening the rules about everything until here I am.

Eff.

Okay. Please help keep me honest. It's hard to do it, and it's hard to stay honest. When you've made a big freakin' deal (and started a blog) about doing well, it's hard to say that you're not, and it's hard to keep up the momentum. So, yeah. Don't take me up on it when I suggest java fried rice and ben-n-jerry's and the like. Ugh.

Phew.

Okay, I'm taking a deep breath, and resolving to try to do better. No, strike the try, will do better.

Okay, first step. Quit smoking again. I have seven cigarettes left. When they are done, so am I.

Wish me luck.